


Open wounds

by rowanismybae



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 04:57:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10937469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowanismybae/pseuds/rowanismybae
Summary: Two months after Nesta was raped by Tomas, she finds out she's pregnant and Cassian is the one that helps her in such difficult time.





	Open wounds

“Please, please, please, please!” I chanted over and over again. I was sitting on the toilet, arms around myself and rocking back and forth. I was trying to stop the tears from falling, but I was desperate. This could not be happening!

I was alone at home. Feyre and Elain had a small store a few blocks away from our apartment; they sold Feyre’s paintings – personalized or not – and Elain’s flowers. The place was cute, cozy and bright. Elain’s flowers were the most beautiful in the whole city. And Feyre started to have some loyal clients and a lot of students. They were joyful to work together in Velaris two months ago.

Rhys, Feyre’s fiancé, lived here and they met in a conference for important business men of the region. At the time they met, she was with Tamlin, but he was very abusive and, after she and Rhys became friends, he lost it, hurting her, locking her inside the house and she had no other choice but leave him. And after they broke up, Rhys was the one who helped her rebuilt her life. She had moved to Velaris right after Tamlin and lived here ever since. She had friends here, a family to be honest and she was happy now.

Actually, they all lived in the same building and the same floor. She used to live with Amren and Mor in the big three bedroom apartment. Cassian, Azriel and Rhys lived on the other and the two bedroom apartment that was left on their floor was also Rhys’s. He said he owned it for guests and all that. We’ve met all of them when they visited me and Elain or we visited them at Velaris.

Me and Elain stayed in our former town and only moved here two months ago after Tomas raped me. I could still feel his hands on my body, the taste of his stupid lips and hear his filthy voice on my ears. It sent shivers down my spine just to think about it. He was arrested and I hoped he died in prison for what he did to me.

When we moved in, Mor and Amren took the smaller apartment and Feyre, Elain and I took the three bedroom one. They were all very kind and gentle with us, especially me. I was seeing a psychiatrist for my PTS and Rhys gave me a job at his company. Feyre offered to share the space with Elain to sell her flowers and she was joyous. Azriel turned out to be a good friend for her and she enjoyed his company immensely. Things were getting better. Slowly the wound was closing... very slowly.

This month I started to feel really sick, vomiting all the time, feeling very sleepy and tired. When I started to feel my stomach a little bit hard just over my hipbones I started to face the ugly truth of what my sickness could be. So, yesterday I asked Rhys to take the day off today to go “ _see a doctor_ ”.

I went out in the morning and bought the pregnancy test but wasn’t able to do it yet. At 5 pm we were all supposed to meet at the girls’ store for a night out. At four I went to the bathroom and took the test with me.

I showered to calm myself down and peed on the stick. I was supposed to wait for three minutes only, but I was starting to freak out. I couldn’t do this. I could not have this baby. If there was a baby indeed.

I looked at my cellphone. Five minutes had passed. I couldn’t wait any longer or I’d be late. I stood up and my hair was still dripping; the towel was around my body and I went for the sink. Taking a deep breath, I looked at the test.

Positive.

I felt my whole body tremble. _No, no, no, no! This can’t be happening!_ I thought to myself. And the wound I was starting to close, burst open once again.

Suddenly I was overtaken by a mix of feelings, and not good ones. I was furious. Fuck Tomas for doing this to me. Fuck him!

I threw everything on the sink on the floor with an arm movement and hit my fist on the mirror screaming in rage, breaking it and cutting my hand, but I didn’t care, the tear on my soul was bigger. I cursed him loudly and stormed out of the bathroom into my bedroom.

I started to throw everything I could see: the blankets of the bed, shoes on the wall, the armchair I used to read in and suddenly I started to feel overwhelmed by the deep sadness that took my body and I fell on the floor.

The deep, burning sadness and rage burned my brain and body. I started to cry violently. I couldn’t have this baby. This was supposed to be a happy moment in the future, with a man I loved and not with a stupid petty man who took me against my will.

After a few minutes, or hours, I had no idea, I heard a loud knock on the front door and Cassian’s loud and worried voice on the other side.

“ _Nesta!_ Nesta, what’s wrong? Open the door!” He was yelling. She forgot his bedroom was sided to her bathroom and he probably heard her breaking everything and her furious screams. She thought they were all out by then.

She stood up and went for the door. His knocking was insistent, his voice filled with worry and fear. When she opened the door, he was livid and he looked at her. He looked at her bleeding hand, her tears and her expression. He took a step closer.

“Nesta, what’s wrong?” He looked inside the apartment. When he found no one, he looked back at me and took my hand in his. “What happened, sweetheart?” I started to cry again.

I hated that nickname, but right now, I felt like he really meant it, and I couldn’t deal with it. I started to cry again and threw myself on his chest hugging him. He was shocked for a second, but hugged me back; his hands gently rubbing my wet back.

“Nes, _please_ …” He pleaded.

“I- I’m pregnant.” I whispered and his hand stopped. I sobbed and looked at him through my tears. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly opened and his brows were frowned. “I’m pregnant with that monster’s baby” His faced became a mix of rage and pity. I rested my forehead on his warm chest again.

He moved only to take me in his arms and he sat on the couch with me on his lap. I was too overloaded with feelings to care that I was only using a towel. He started to trace gentle circles on my arm and he rested his cheek on my forehead. He let me cry and he murmured wordless sounds to calm me down.

When I stopped to cry, he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead and placed me on the couch.

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart.” My head snapped up with wide eyes and he smiled gently. “I’ll just get a first aid kit for your hand.” I nodded and he left.

I placed my face on my hands and took a deep breath. The thought of something related to Tomas inside me made my gut twist with nausea and that made me feel bad. It was a life after all. But I couldn’t handle it. Not like this.

Cassian came back and I startled when he took my hand in his. He cleaned it up and wrapped it on a bandage and after he finished, he placed a gentle kiss over it. The gesture warmed my heart just a little.

“What you want to do about it Nes?” No judgment, no scowl, just a simple question that told me he would stand by my side with whatever choice I made.

“I can’t Cassian… I just can’t.” I was crying again, and I hated the warmth of the tears and how weak I felt. He nodded and pushed me to his arms again. I grabbed his shirt in fists at his back and he let me cry once more.

“I always thought that this would be a happy moment in my life, with the man I love by my side and not because – because some monster abused me.” I told him. He nodded understanding.

“Should we go to the hospital?” He asked gently. And I looked at his handsome face. He was so sad, so mad…

“I’ll go. You should go to our friends. They’re waiting.” He laughed bitterly.

“If you thing that I will let you go alone to face this, Nesta Acheron, you’re wrong.” I started to tell him that I’d be fine but he silenced me with a finger on my lips. “I’m coming with you, sweetheart. So I suggest you get dressed and take your documents. I’ll tell the others we won’t show up.” He placed a gentle hand on my cheek and I leaned into the touch.

“Will you tell them?” I asked quietly.

“Not if you don’t want me to.” He answered.

“Don’t tell them now.” I said standing up. “They’ll get worried for nothing. It’s too bad already that I had to take you with me and ruin your fun.” I started to walk, but he held my wrist and I turned to him again.

“Nes, you never ruin anything for me. And I’m glad you trust me enough to let me be there for you.” His honesty caught me off guard and I blinked. He smiled and let me go.

In my bedroom, I got dressed and took my things, including the police records on the abuse.

It’s funny how things work. I absolutely hated Cassian at first, but couldn’t stay away. Turns out that we became friends and now… things were confuse between us. But a good confusion.

When I got out, he was waiting for me at the door, his jacket and car keys on his hand.

“Ready to go?” He asked and I nodded. He took my hand and we left.

At the hospital, he did all the talking because I was crying again and he also held my hand the entire time.

The doctor did a quick exam and brought an ultrasound machine to confirm and Cassian offered to leave, since it would have to be an endovaginal ultrasound and I might be uncomfortable with him there, but she asked him to stay and he did, holding my hand with one of his own and the other one stroking my hair. I never looked at the screen. I could not see the monster inside me.

“The age of the fetus matches the time of the abuse. Are you sure you want to do this?” The doctor said simply. I knew it was protocol, but I hated it anyways. I just nodded as he turned off the machine and told me to go change in to my own clothes.

When I got back, Cassian held my hand as the doctor told me how the procedure would go. I felt guilty, someone could have this baby after it was born; but at the same time, I would die of disgust and hate with that piece of Tomas growing inside me. I couldn’t do it. And if he turned out to be like his father… I wasn’t going to be responsible to let another beast into the world.

I was taken to the obstetric block and Cassian had to stay behind. At the door, he kissed my cheek and held me tightly on his arms.

“I’ll be here when it’s over, okay sweetheart?” I nodded and breathed in his scent. It felt relaxing, felt like home. “Remember you are strong and this will be over soon, Nes.” I looked at him and before noticing what I was doing I leaned forward and place a soft kiss on his cheek. When I was about to go in, I turned to him again and he had a silly smile on his lips. He waved goodbye and I went in.

Maybe if I wasn’t too broken, he would be the one I would build a future with, but it looked impossible now. I was too damaged for anyone - especially Cassian that was a ray of sunshine - to want me.

It was fast, I didn’t see anything, actually, since I was sedated. When I woke up, a gentle nurse asked me how I was doing and took me a few seconds to understand her words fully.

“I’m… It’s over? Is it out?” I asked slowly to her, my throat felt dry and my words were hoarse. Her eyes were soft and gentle. She placed a warm hand over my arm and a sympathetic smile played on her lips.

“Yes, darling, you’re no longer pregnant. You can forget about this whole thing now.” I nodded and sighed in relief. “And also, your boyfriend was asking about you. I should go tell him you’re awake.” I smiled sadly.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I said and she raised a brow.

“Well, dear, he should be. He’s hot!” I chuckled and she smiled. “Plus, he’s here for you. He actually almost damaged the floor with his anxious pacing.”

“He’s like a dog waiting for its owner.” I said rolling my eyes and the nurse chuckled.

“I hope next time you end up here, is on better circumstances. For both of you.” She winked and left.

I stayed there for another hour and then I was discharged. When I stepped outside, Cassian, who was sited elbows on this knees and his face buried on his hands, stood up and walked towards me; his arms crushed my body in a tight hug instantly. Despite the weird feeling, I smiled.

“It’s done Cass, it’s over.” He looked at me and pressed his lips on my forehead. “Can we go home?” He nodded and took my hand.

We went back to our building and he helped me walk since I was still a little bit dizzy. He opened the door and took me to my bedroom. My sisters weren’t home yet, luckily. He sit me on the edge of the bed while he did a quick clean up and organized my messy bedroom from my rage explosion.

When he went for the bathroom, I changed into my pajamas that were nothing more than a big black man shirt. When he got back, his eyes went wide with surprise: I was wearing one of his shirts.

“When did you take this?” He asked me amused. I shrugged.

“Laundry. This was left behind and I took it here to give it back, but I liked it and the fabric was really soft so started to use it to sleep. Sorry.” I said laying down in my bed. A small smile on my lips, but it was gone in a second when I felt a small pain from the procedure.

“Don’t. Looks much better on you.” His eyes were shining in honesty and … pride? Interesting.

He sat on the bed next to me and stroke my cheek. I closed my eyes enjoying the warmth of his skin on mine. “Can I ask something?” He asked and I nodded.

“Earlier today you said that this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be… Have you thought about being a mom? Getting married?” He asked gently and I patted the empty space in the bed telling him to lay down with me. He was taking his shoes off when I started to talk.

“Yes.” I answered honestly. I could talk to him. He wouldn’t laugh. “I pictured it many times. The way I would find out and how I’d tell him about it and how we’d make love after it…” I was blushing and he laid in bed underneath the blankets holding my hand, entwining his fingers on mine. “I’m just being silly, you know.” I shrugged.

“Why?” He asked.

“No one would ever want someone as bitter and broken like me.” I was starting to feel sleepy. I yawned.

“Nes, never say that.” He forced myself to look at him tightening his grip on my hand and another one in my cheek. “You are healing, you’re strong, you’re fierce, you’re beautiful and kind. Any man who has your heart should consider himself a very lucky bastard.” He said and I chuckled.

“Cass that’s not true.” He was starting to speak but I cut him off. “Would _you_ love someone like me?” I asked and blamed my loose tongue on the sedatives.

He smiled and pulled me closer to him so our bodies were together on a hug, my head on his neck and my hand on his chest, his arms around my shoulder and waist.

“Nesta, you blind woman,” he said playfully and his hands tracing circles on my back. “I love you. I have loved you since the first time we met.” I was so shocked I forced myself to look in his eyes. He was being honest.

“You do?” I asked and he kissed my nose.

“Yes, silly. I do. But I’m a patient guy.” He pushed my head back to his shoulder and I was crying again, but in relief and a warm feeling started to spread across my heart. “When you’re ready, I’ll be here, sweetheart. For now, I’ll be your friend, your rock, your comfort, whatever you need me to be.”

“Thanks Cass… I don’t deserve you.” I said leaning into his body, listening to the sound of heartbeat, breathing in his scent, enjoying his warmth.

“You deserve every good thing in the world. Including me.” I smiled. He was so cocky. “Sleep Nes. I’ll wait for your sisters and tell them what happened and I’ll go home.” Another kiss on my forehead.

“Stay here tonight?” I whispered; sleep almost claiming me.

“Of course, sweetheart.” He held me tightly and I knew I could live like this. And right there I decided to fight and heal. I wanted to deserve his love; I wanted to have the future I pictured for myself and I wanted him to be the one to fulfill it with me.

“I hope someday I’m able to return your love completely. And I hope it’s soon.” At that, I left the sleep claim me and I felt safer than ever in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for this. I just had this idea and felt like I should write it. I personally HATE angst, but this one has a "happy" ending so... forgive me for it.


End file.
